When Someone Hates You

Their opinion does not have to become your opinion of yourself.

As my business has grown and more people have heard my work, more people have also disliked me.

That isn't enjoyable. But it has given me plenty of practice with a question that applies far beyond business: what do you do when someone hates you?

It might be someone in your neighborhood, an old friend, or someone close to your family. You want to explain yourself, fix their opinion, and make the hate stop.

Before you try to change them, I want you to look at what is happening in your own mind.

What did they actually say?

First, separate the circumstance from your thought about it.

If someone has told you they hate you, their words are a circumstance. If they haven't told you that and you are assuming it, then the idea that they hate you belongs in the thought line of the Model.

For this example, imagine Sally has said she hates you. The circumstance is that Sally said those words.

What you make those words mean determines your emotional experience of hearing them.

You might make them mean that you are unworthy, that you are a bad person, or that you did something terribly wrong. You might make them mean that Sally is terrible and you should hate her back.

Notice how each interpretation creates a different feeling and a different way of showing up.

Other people are allowed to have their feelings

People are allowed to dislike you. They are allowed to think and say things you don't want them to think or say.

Accepting that can release you from the exhausting effort to control their minds.

We want to justify ourselves until the person feels differently. We think that if we can change their thoughts, we can finally feel better about what we are making their opinion mean.

But you don't need to change their thinking before you can change yours.

Their thoughts create their feelings. Your thoughts create your feelings. Those are two separate experiences.

You aren't feeling their hate

If Sally hates you, Sally feels hate. You may feel sad, diminished, defensive, or angry. But you aren't experiencing her emotion.

You are experiencing the feeling created by your own thoughts about her words.

This distinction matters even if you are sensitive to other people's emotions. You can sense that someone is angry without experiencing their anger as your own feeling.

So ask yourself: what am I making this mean, and how do I feel when I think that?

Then take responsibility for the feeling you identify. That brings you back to the part you can work on.

Find your way to compassion

When someone doesn't like me, I sometimes joke with myself that I understand. There are times when I don't like me either.

That helps me loosen my defensiveness enough to consider their perspective. What might they be thinking? How might they be seeing me?

When I remember how uncomfortable hate feels, I can have compassion for the person experiencing it. Their thinking is creating a painful emotional experience for them.

They don't have to stop blaming me before I can understand that.

Compassion can be a challenging place to reach. But trying to make someone stop hating me is not the only way I can feel better. I can work on the meaning I am giving their opinion.

My answer to hate is love

When I am conscious enough to choose, my answer to hate is always love. I would much rather feel love.

Answering hate with hate doubles the hate. It doesn't provide relief. Hating the haters adds more of the same emotion to the world.

Hate doesn't protect me or help me, even when it seems as if it might. I don't want to stay in that feeling and create actions from it.

My immediate reaction is often defensiveness. It feels tight and uncomfortable. When I notice that in my body, I know it is time to relax, look at my thinking, and find my way back to peace.

Love is the feeling I want to experience, not a reward I am waiting for someone else to earn.

Choose who you want to be before you respond

This doesn't mean you never speak to the person. It means you look at the emotion you are bringing into the conversation first.

Desperation, fear, and defensiveness will create a different interaction than self-compassion and understanding.

Ask yourself who you want to be in this moment. What result do you want to create? What feeling will help you respond in that way?

You can talk to someone without making the conversation an attempt to control their opinion of you.

Let yourself show up

When you accept that some people won't like you, you become more willing to be yourself.

You can tell the truth in your family and friendships. You can express an opinion, write something controversial, or take a stand without requiring universal approval first.

Other people's opinions don't make you more or less of a person. Being disliked doesn't have to deter you from your work in the world.

Notice the circumstance. Notice what you are making it mean. Own your feeling, then decide how you want to respond.

You don't have to change someone else's mind to keep showing up as yourself.