The Self Coaching Model

Five lines that help you understand what is happening in your mind—and what you are creating from it.

A circumstance happens. You have a thought about it. That thought creates a feeling, and that feeling drives what you do. What you do creates your result.

That is the Self Coaching Model. I created it as a way to organize your mind on paper, and I use it on myself daily. The concepts behind it are not something I invented. The Model is a tool for seeing how those concepts are working in your own life.

If you learn nothing else from it but the difference between a circumstance and a thought, you are already well on your way to understanding your mind.

Circumstances: what happened

Circumstances are the facts. They include other people's behavior, things happening in the world, and events in your past. They are neutral until you have a thought about them.

A white door is a circumstance. Someone saying particular words is a circumstance. Something happening in your past is a circumstance.

When you add that it was horrible or wonderful, you have moved into your thinking. You have added your opinion to the fact.

This distinction matters because we usually believe the thing that happened is making us feel the way we do. The Model shows us the thought between what happened and how we feel.

Thoughts: the sentences in your mind

A thought is a sentence in your mind. There are so many of them throughout the day that it takes effort to slow down and look at one.

Write the sentence. If it includes an opinion, judgment, or subjective description, put it in the thought line. It may feel completely true. That does not turn it into a circumstance.

For example, “I hate myself” is a thought. It is something you are thinking about yourself, not a fact about who you are.

Feelings: one word

Your thought creates your feeling. For this line, use a one-word description: happy, sad, angry, anxious, loving, or caring.

When I ask people how they feel, they often give me more thoughts. Keep the thought as a sentence and the feeling as the emotion that sentence creates.

Notice how differently you act when you feel caring than when you feel angry. The feeling is the fuel for the next line.

Actions: what you do from that feeling

Include your actions, inaction, and reactions. Ask what you do when you feel the exact emotion you wrote down.

Be careful not to switch Models halfway through. If you feel depressed, describe what you do from depression. If you start thinking about cheering yourself up, that new thought and feeling belong in another Model.

The point is to see the connection between this thought, this feeling, and this action.

Results: what your actions create

Your actions create your results. The result you create is always going to prove the original thought. Your brain is looking for evidence that what it believes is true.

Consider being laid off from a job. That is the circumstance. There are many thoughts you could have about it.

You could think your life is over and your family will never be able to eat again. That thinking creates a very different feeling from thinking this is the opportunity to start the business you have wanted to start.

From excitement, you take action to get the business going. From the thought that your life is over, you may do nothing. That inaction creates the very result you were afraid of and gives you evidence for the original thought.

The job loss is the same circumstance. The thoughts, feelings, actions, and results are different.

Understand your current Model before changing it

When people begin seeing their thinking, they often want to change it immediately. Slow down.

First, understand the pattern. See what you are thinking, how you feel, and what you do. Be curious and compassionate about what you find. Discovering thoughts you do not like means you now have access to something you can work on.

Trying to swap in a positive thought before you understand the current one usually misses that work.

When you are ready to practice different thinking, start with something you believe. If you are criticizing your body, jumping straight to an enthusiastic affirmation may create an argument in your mind.

A more neutral thought, such as “I have a body,” can be a place to begin. Practice it. Notice how it feels and how that feeling changes your actions. Then you can move toward a more positive thought.

Affirmations are powerful when you believe them. Repeating words you do not believe does not create a new thought pattern.

Give yourself time to practice

You can start anywhere in the Model. Write something happening in your life, identify which line it belongs in, and fill in the others. What are you thinking? How does that thought feel? What do you do from that feeling? What result do you create?

A new thought can feel uncomfortable before it feels natural. Be willing to practice long enough for it to become familiar.

Supervising your mind takes effort. But you are thinking whether you pay attention or not. The Model gives you a way to see what you are creating—and to choose your thinking on purpose.