So What?

A small question can reveal the story you are telling yourself.

My girlfriend told me that her friends didn't like the way she acted when she was around me. I immediately turned that into a story about everything wrong with me.

I was too intense. Too ambitious. Too excited about my work. I needed to settle down. Why hadn't I figured this out by now?

They hadn't even been talking about me. They had been talking about her. But my brain knew exactly how to use the information to prove a familiar belief.

The question that brought me back was simple: so what?

What are you making it mean?

When I ask a coaching client so what, I am asking what they are making something mean.

There is the circumstance. Then there is the story we create about it. Asking the question helps us see where one ends and the other begins.

My girlfriend's friends had expressed an opinion. I made that mean I was too much and needed to change who I was. Those were additional thoughts, not information they had delivered.

When I backed up and asked what I was making it mean, I could see that people were allowed not to like me. They were allowed not to like my girlfriend. Their opinions didn't require me to feel terrible about myself.

Your brain looks for what you tell it matters

Your brain takes in more information than you can consciously attend to. It filters.

If I look out my office window, I see cars without noticing every brand and color. A car dealer might notice those details immediately. We pay attention to what we have learned is important.

The same thing happens with beliefs. If you believe you can't lose weight, your brain looks for evidence that you can't. There may be evidence to the contrary, but you aren't attending to it.

If I believe a room is beautiful, I enter looking for beauty. If I enter determined to judge whether it really is beautiful, I may look for everything wrong with it.

What is your brain trained to see? Did you choose that direction deliberately, or did it become familiar somewhere along the way?

Notice the theme you keep proving

I could use several very different situations to prove that I was too intense.

Someone said I talked too fast. A group of people moved somewhere else while we were together. My girlfriend told me about her friends' comments.

Different circumstances. The same conclusion about me.

Meanwhile, I had plenty of people who loved my ambition, my intensity, and my passion for this work. My brain wasn't giving that evidence the same attention.

You may have a theme about being a failure or not being good enough. Notice how many unrelated events you make mean the same thing. Your mind may be proving a belief rather than evaluating each situation freshly.

Two stories about the same childhood

I can tell you a story about having a terrible childhood.

Our house burned down two days before Christmas when I was six. I remember sitting in the car watching the fire trucks. My parents' marriage was already struggling, and they divorced shortly afterward.

My mother moved us to California and went through a deep depression. I was lonely. My father would sometimes promise to visit and not come. As a teenager, I struggled with anxiety, my weight, and choices that hurt me.

I sought therapy, and later I joined a cult. I can tell that story as evidence that I was a victim and had a horrible beginning.

I can also tell another true story.

My mother was beautiful and created a lovely home. My father was funny, and I remember his teasing and laughter. After the fire, we moved to sunny California. When my dad visited, we went somewhere fun.

When I couldn't lean on my parents, I developed independence. I taught my stuffed animals in my room. I sought therapy at a young age and learned about myself. I eventually got out of the cult and used what I learned to help build the life I have now.

In that story, my childhood helped me become strong and gave me what I needed for my life.

The events haven't changed. The evidence I select and the meaning I give it have.

Consider the other side

Think about a debate team. You can be asked to argue one side of a case and then argue the opposite. You have to find evidence for both.

Most of us never do that with the beliefs we have about ourselves. We make our case, collect the supporting evidence, and stop.

I notice it even when I research something I want to teach. I want to read the material that supports my hypothesis. The material that doesn't support it can feel inconvenient.

That makes it important to become conscious of what we are asking our brains to prove.

Thoughts create feelings. Feelings drive actions and results. If you keep selecting evidence for a painful story, notice what that story is creating in your life.

Use the question in your day

When you are upset, let yourself tell the story. Write down the dramatic version if that is what is in your mind.

Then return to what happened and ask: so what? What am I making this mean? What do I want to make it mean?

You can practice with little things. You were late. You were in traffic. You gained three pounds. Notice the meaning you attach instead of assuming the circumstance has already decided how you must feel.

You get to direct what your brain focuses on. You get to decide which story you keep practicing.

Ask the question, see your thinking, and choose the meaning you want to bring with you.