Listening Hard

Hear the words, consider the intention, and notice your interpretation.

Someone says something to you, and immediately you know what it means.

Your spouse is coming home late because they do not respect you. Your boss wants something done immediately because you are not doing a good job. Someone says they do not like you, and your brain starts collecting evidence that you are not likable.

But what if you are listening much more closely to your own interpretation than to the person who is speaking?

Listening hard means getting curious about what is happening in their brain while also noticing what is happening in yours. It is a simple tool, and when you apply it, it can change your relationships.

There is more happening than the words you hear

A conversation has several layers. There is what the other person intends to say. There is what actually comes out of their mouth. There is what you hear. Then there is what you think about what you heard.

Those are not all the same thing.

Sometimes people do not express what they intended very well. Sometimes you interpret their words in a way they never intended. And often, you do not stop to consider their meaning because you are so interested in the meaning your own brain has already assigned.

In the Model, what someone actually says is a circumstance. Your thought about what they say creates your feeling.

My clients will tell me that another person's words hurt, frustrated, or angered them. But the words are not what creates the emotion. The thought about those words does.

This is such good news. Nobody else has the power to create your emotion. When you understand that, you can examine your interpretation instead of treating it as something that simply happened to you.

Separate intention, words, and interpretation

When you listen hard, pay attention to what the person may be intending, what they actually say, and what you are making it mean.

At first, doing all of that during a conversation may feel challenging. Start by looking at a conversation after it happens.

Write down the words the person said. Then write down what you thought about those words. Finally, consider what the person might have intended and why they might have said it.

You cannot know for certain why someone said something unless you ask them. But considering their intention is still valuable because your brain may never have considered it at all.

I use this with clients who interpret a spouse coming home late as disrespect. I ask whether they think their spouse was deliberately planning to disrespect them by staying at work.

Usually, they do not think that was the intention. They can imagine that their spouse ran out of time, had a lot to do, was catching up, or wanted to impress their boss.

Notice how different that perspective is from the interpretation they started with. The facts did not change. Their thinking did.

Look for the answer in their brain

The question is: Why is this person saying this?

But be careful about where you look for the answer.

If someone says they do not like you and you look in your own brain, it may offer every reason you are not likable. Or it may tell you that the person is a jerk for saying something rude.

Your brain moves into defense. It interprets the comment in a way that seems protective, but it does not necessarily help you understand the person.

Instead, consider what they might be thinking and feeling that would lead them to say those words.

Maybe they are scared. Maybe they think you hurt their feelings. Maybe you did something they did not like, or they are blaming you for something happening in their life.

As soon as you look at what may be happening in their brain, you open the possibility of compassion. Their comment no longer has to become a verdict about you.

You can also ask them why they are saying it. Their answer may clarify something you had not understood. But even without asking, you can practice listening for the intention behind the words.

Use the Model to understand the person speaking

What they say is their action. A feeling drives that action, and a thought creates that feeling.

So when you ask why they are saying something, you are asking what thought and feeling might be behind it.

Imagine your boss says a task needs to be handled right away and should have been done yesterday. If you only listen to your own brain, you may decide that you are inadequate, that you did not perform well enough, or that you are going to be fired.

Then you act from the feeling that interpretation creates.

If you look instead at what may be happening in your boss's brain, you might consider that they are under pressure, worried about getting the work done, or trying to communicate clearly.

From that place, you can respond with more compassion and motivation instead of defending yourself against a meaning you created.

You are not claiming to know what your boss thinks. You are questioning the story your own brain immediately offered.

When you find judgment, ask why again

There is one more piece of listening hard that I teach my coaches. Sometimes you consider the other person's thinking and realize they may really be judging you. They may have negative thoughts about you.

That is not the moment to abandon the exercise and return to defending yourself.

Ask why again. Why might they be having that thought?

That second question can take you deeper into compassion. It helps you understand the person rather than getting caught in your reaction to their judgment.

Listening hard is taking the time to hear more than the words. Notice the thought behind their action. Notice your own interpretation. Keep asking why.

That is how you make room to understand another human being.