How to Not Be Stuck

Trade the discomfort of waiting for the discomfort that moves you forward.

When someone tells me they are stuck, I ask them to say it differently: I am choosing to be stuck.

That may not be what you want to hear. But notice the difference. One sentence describes something that has happened to you. The other gives you a choice.

On a public coaching call, two women brought me career questions. One wanted more work as an actress. The other had wanted to leave her job for years. Both knew there was something more they wanted. Both were waiting to feel ready to go after it.

Your thoughts are not just observations

Jennifer was an actress who knew the actions she needed to take. She wanted to meet agents, connect with casting directors, and write. The tasks were on her list, but she wasn't doing them.

Her thought was that she wasn't ready. That thought created inadequacy. From inadequacy, she avoided the actions that could bring her more work.

She had reasons: she started later, and her training wasn't what she thought it should have been. But those reasons were part of the thinking she was bringing into her career.

She wasn't simply observing that she couldn't succeed. She was thinking thoughts that made it much harder to show up and offer what she had.

Thoughts create feelings. Feelings drive action or inaction. Those actions create results. If you want to understand why you aren't acting, look at the feeling driving the inaction and the thought creating that feeling.

Think about what you have to offer

Jennifer loved acting. She cared about the work and believed she was exciting to watch. She could offer hard work, generosity, play, and a willingness to be vulnerable.

I asked her to think about that offering. What could she give an audience? A director? Her castmates? An agent?

When everything is about whether you are good enough, you get caught in your own brain. Thinking about the people receiving your work helps you get out of your way.

When money entered the conversation, Jennifer doubted what she could offer an agent. But an agent's opportunity was a percentage of the money she was willing to go out and earn.

Her thoughts about being unmarketable and unready were standing between her and doing that work. They weren't facts she had to keep believing.

Choose a useful kind of discomfort

Jennifer's willingness to be vulnerable onstage was also the willingness she needed in auditions. She had to be willing to go all in, be rejected, and go all in again.

Many people go all in once. After rejection, they give less the next time. By the third attempt, they barely try. They are protecting themselves from a feeling while making the result they want less likely.

Courage doesn't feel good. If there were no fear, you wouldn't need courage.

Inadequacy doesn't feel good either, but it isn't useful. Courage is uncomfortable and useful. You are already uncomfortable. You can choose the discomfort that moves you toward your dream.

Commit to the actions, not controlling the response

I teach Do Goals: commit to enough actions to give your desired result a real opportunity to happen.

With Jennifer, we talked about committing to 300 auditions over a year and a half, or 150 if that was the reasonable commitment. She couldn't control who cast her. She could control how many times she showed up and what she was willing to offer.

She might not get the dream part. But she would be a different person after doing that work.

When I do something hard for myself, I tell myself, I did that for you. I was scared. I struggled. I did it for you.

That is how I build my relationship with myself. You can leave an audition without the part and still know you showed up for yourself.

I also practice hearing no. I ask for discounts or upgrades knowing someone may refuse. Hearing no becomes less frightening when you stop arranging your whole life to avoid it.

Familiarity is not the same as comfort

Amanda had been in her job for ten years and had wanted to leave for five. She felt bored and wanted more hands-on work with people. But the paycheck and benefits seemed safer than risking rejection somewhere else.

She described her life as if it was happening to her. Another job might happen. Another job might make her feel different.

I wanted her to understand why she felt the way she did before changing the job. If you don't understand your thinking, you can carry it into the next position.

You don't have to stay forever. You do need to recognize that your mind creates your emotional experience. Even a job you love includes work you don't enjoy. I love my work, and I don't love doing taxes.

As Amanda imagined herself becoming more confident and capable, she could also see that she had a choice to leave. That recognition alone can change how you experience the job you are in.

What would your future self ask you to do?

We imagined Amanda's future self already working in a role she loved. What would she do now if she knew she could create that future?

She would network. She would research organizations. She would explore opportunities. We discussed contacting 50 organizations rather than making one tentative attempt.

Confidence would help her act. Courage would help her act while afraid.

You don't have to pretend you aren't scared. Ask what you are willing to do for your dream. What would your future self thank you for doing?

Getting unstuck starts with owning your choice and taking a step. You don't control every response. You do control whether you keep showing up, believing in yourself, and doing the work to earn the life you want.