Generosity

Give from a clear choice, rather than an unspoken demand for something back.

Generosity is one of my favorite feelings, but I still notice moments when I pull away from it.

A friend expects me to pay. A customer wants a refund. I start thinking someone is entitled, and suddenly I am keeping score.

That is the moment I want to look at my own mind. I don't want someone else's behavior to decide who I am going to be.

Generosity is more than giving

I define generosity as giving more than is expected or necessary, with no expectation of anything in return.

In the Self Coaching Model, generous is the feeling. Giving is the action that comes from it. Your thinking about the world creates the feeling that drives the action.

This is why money doesn't determine whether someone is generous. We can all think of people who have a lot and give very little, and people who have very little and give freely.

Generosity is an emotional experience available through the way you think, not a circumstance you have to wait to acquire.

Nothing in return means nothing

Imagine giving someone $5,000. You might say you expect nothing back because you don't want repayment.

But would you expect a thank-you? An acknowledgment? Would you expect them to use the money for bills instead of buying a handbag?

Those are expectations, too. When you attach them to the gift, you make your enjoyment dependent on what the recipient does.

I love giving anonymously. I pay for the person behind me at Starbucks or at a toll bridge, and I don't look back. I don't want to make the giving depend on their response.

I give because it feels amazing to give. That experience is already something I receive.

When I started keeping score with a friend

I noticed that a friend seemed happy to split a restaurant bill when she had ordered more, but wanted separate checks when I had ordered more.

I started feeling resentful. I thought she expected me to pay and didn't want to reciprocate.

That thinking moved me out of generosity and into expectation. I wanted her to act differently so I could feel good about giving.

I sat down and asked myself what I really wanted. Did I want to debate the bill, or did I want to be someone who was happy to give?

For me, I wanted to be the person giving more than expected. I didn't want to spend my time nitpicking the bill or waiting for her to behave according to my rules.

She gets to be who she is. I get to decide who I am.

The refund that challenged me

A customer told us she had received so much value from my free podcast that the paid webinar hadn't given her enough more. She wanted her money back.

My first reaction was to argue in my mind. The webinar was full of material. If the free work had helped her so much, why was she asking for a refund?

I felt myself clench up. Then I noticed that my interpretation of her entitlement was taking me away from the person I wanted to be.

I decided to give the refund, even though that webinar didn't have a money-back guarantee. I wanted to focus on the fact that she loved and benefited from the material.

I didn't want to make my generosity conditional on whether she appreciated it in the way I preferred.

Check your reason for giving

There are times when giving isn't coming from generosity at all.

If you give so someone will like you, so they won't be upset, or so you can avoid a confrontation, notice the emotion driving it. You may be trying to control their response.

That kind of giving can create resentment because it isn't honoring you. You are giving in an effort to get something back.

I want to like my reason for giving. I also want to like my reason when I don't want to give.

With my friend, resentment was my reason for pulling back. I didn't like that reason. I wanted to do my work so that whether I paid or discussed splitting the bill, I could come from generosity rather than anger.

You can meet scarcity with generosity

When I think someone is entitled, I can become entitled myself. I start insisting they owe me a particular response.

I don't want to match the scarcity I believe I see in them. I want to choose abundance for my own sake.

Someone may expect free material, choose another program, or want more than I have already offered. They are allowed to have those thoughts. I don't have to shut down my desire to contribute because of them.

A man once told me he had listened to my podcast for a year and chosen someone else's program instead of mine. He loved my work. I could genuinely feel good about that without making his purchase a debt he owed me.

I want to give freely because that is the experience I enjoy, not because it guarantees someone's next decision.

You have more than money to give

You have time, energy, kindness, thoughtfulness, and knowledge. Ask yourself what you have to give in the situation you are entering.

That question shifts the focus away from trying to control the world and toward contribution. It can create confidence and empowerment.

I believe the more generously we contribute, the more joy and abundance we experience. It may not come back in the same form or from the same person. But the feeling and the giving are already a benefit.

So notice where you are giving freely and where you are waiting for a return. Notice what happens when someone responds differently than you expected.

For me, generosity is very important because I love how I feel when I am generous. I want to choose it no matter how the other person acts. I don't want to let their behavior change who I want to be in the world.