Confident Communication

Say what you mean, check what was heard, and focus feedback on the next useful step.

I texted a friend who was flying in to visit and asked whether she had eaten dinner. She replied that she would eat something.

I thought she meant she would get food before coming to my house. She meant she was hungry and would eat something when she arrived.

She got to the house and asked about dinner. I thought she had already eaten. We ended up going out, and we laughed about how differently we had understood the same few words.

That is communication. There is what you say, what you mean, what the other person hears, and what they make it mean. Those four things can be very different.

Understanding that difference helps you communicate clearly and confidently instead of defending yourself against an interpretation you never intended.

Check what the other person heard

When someone says you told them to do something, they may be describing their interpretation of your words. That is not necessarily what you meant.

I used to get into arguments about this. Someone would tell me I had said something, and I would think I would never have said that.

Now I can recognize that this is what they heard. Neither of us has to be lying or wrong. We can get curious about the difference between what I intended and what they understood.

When I give directions at work, I ask people to summarize their to-do items so we can make sure we are on the same page. Very often, we discover we are not.

The written word can help too. You can return to it and compare what is there with how you read it.

Say what you mean as specifically as you can. Then check whether the other person heard the meaning you intended.

Clarify in your relationships too

When I tell Chris how I am feeling, his response sometimes makes me wonder whether he understands. I ask what he made my words mean and whether he can put them in his own words.

That can show us something important.

For example, someone might say they feel sad because their partner is coming home late. What they mean could be that they miss their partner and want to share that.

The partner might hear an accusation that they are disrespectful or not taking good care of the relationship.

If you do not clarify, you end up responding to two different conversations.

And be honest about what you mean. Saying you do not need a Valentine's Day gift while secretly expecting roses creates another gap between your words and your intention.

Your truth is a thought you have chosen to believe

Calling something your truth does not give you permission to say anything you want without taking responsibility for it.

I coached a client whose wife used that phrase when she shared her opinions. The idea was that because it was her truth, saying it was automatically justified.

But your truth is a thought you believe. You get to examine that thought before deciding whether you want to keep thinking it, let alone say it aloud.

If you think you do not like how your partner looks or behaves, ask whether that is a thought you want to practice. Does it serve you? Does it serve the relationship? Is there a reason to say it beyond reporting whatever is in your brain?

Do your thought work first. Clean up your mind before communicating from it. You can choose what you believe instead of presenting every judgment as something you cannot help having.

Offer a solution instead of indulging your anger

You can tell whether you are ready to give feedback by looking at how you feel and why you want to speak.

If you are upset and want to release that feeling onto the other person, your feedback can become a way of buffering. You are indulging the emotion instead of managing it.

I find feedback works better when I take responsibility for the result and offer a solution.

If an employee has not produced what I wanted, I ask how we got there. Was my direction clear? Did I know exactly what I wanted? Where could I have communicated better?

My friend Chris calls this feed forward. Instead of dwelling on what someone did wrong, you explain the result you want and what needs to change to create it.

What happened with my contractor

A contractor did work for me that did not turn out the way I wanted. I was angry, so I waited before having the conversation.

I knew that talking from that anger would lead me to say things that were not useful. I did my own work and asked what result I wanted and what solution I could offer.

Then I told the contractor that I thought they were amazing, that the current result was not amazing, and what I suggested we do to fix it.

They appreciated being called amazing and wanted to make it right. We worked on the solution together.

I did not need to make the person the problem. I could focus on what we wanted to create.

An apology opens communication

When someone is upset with you, that is not the time to teach them how to communicate. It is not the time to tell them to listen to this lesson.

I think offering an apology is appropriate even when the person is confused or wrong about what they think you did. It is the opposite of defending yourself, and it opens the conversation.

You can say you are sorry without saying you intended something you did not intend. In your own mind, you may be sorry that they are thinking or feeling that way.

You do not have to explain all of that. An apology can be a softener, an opener, and a connector.

When you take responsibility, you give yourself power to change the experience instead of staying in a fight about it.

Confidence comes from your thinking

Confident communication comes from feeling confident. That feeling comes from how you think.

When you believe what you are saying is important, useful, and helpful, you have a different experience from when you are focused on how people will perceive you.

Separate what you say from who you are. If you say something inaccurate or someone interprets it differently than you intended, that does not mean something is wrong with you as a person.

Confidence comes from being willing to say the wrong thing and be okay with it. You can clarify. You can learn. You do not have to make every sentence a test of your worth.

Before you speak, ask how you feel and why you are saying it. If you are reacting from negative emotion, insecurity, or doubt, return to your thinking and do your work.

Then say what you mean, check what was heard, and make room for a real conversation.