Cognitive Dissonance

Use a believable bridge thought when a new belief feels too far from the old one.

Why does going after a dream sometimes feel terrible, while giving up feels like relief?

Your brain wants to keep believing what it already believes. A new goal asks it to consider something different. Now you're holding two thoughts that don't agree, and that creates mental discomfort.

That is cognitive dissonance.

You believe you can make a certain amount of money. Then you introduce the idea that you can make more. You believe you can't lose weight. Then you begin considering that maybe you can.

The new thought challenges the old one. If you don't understand what's happening, the discomfort can persuade you to stop before you've given yourself the opportunity to change.

Your brain wants the old belief to be right

When you set a goal, your brain may offer a simple way to feel better: give up on it.

Then you can return to the familiar belief, and everything feels settled again. Your brain doesn't have to work through a contradiction.

But your dream keeps tapping at you. You still want the result.

Your brain looks for evidence that its existing beliefs are true. That gives it certainty and efficiency. When you decide to create a different result, you are asking it to consider being wrong.

That can feel confronting. Knowing this ahead of time helps you recognize the mental discomfort as part of the process instead of an instruction to retreat.

Picture two Models side by side

Write the Model you're living now: circumstance, thought, feeling, action, and result.

Then write the Model you want to live. What thought would create the feeling, action, and result you're looking for?

Your thoughts create your feelings, which drive your actions and results. Moving between those Models means changing what you believe.

I call the space between them the river of misery. You haven't completely released the old thought, and you don't fully believe the new one yet. You're holding both.

Your brain will want to prove the new Model wrong and the old Model right. Expect that. You don't need to interpret every uncomfortable moment as a sign you chose the wrong goal.

Use a bridge thought when the leap is too big

Sometimes the thought you want to believe feels too far away. You can create a believable thought in between.

For example, you may currently think, “I hate my body,” and want to believe, “I love my body.” Holding those two sentences together can create a lot of resistance.

“I have a body” is a neutral bridge. You can believe it. It feels different from hate, and it gives you a place to move toward love.

I also call these ladder thoughts. You're finding a rung that helps you move between beliefs instead of insisting you must reach the final one immediately.

If you can't yet believe you can lose weight, you might practice “Losing weight is possible” or “I'm willing to consider that I can lose weight.”

The bridge isn't the final destination. It's a thought your brain can believe while you're moving.

Decide what you want and expect the discomfort

The first step is to become aware of what you want.

Don't automatically accept “I don't know” as the answer. Confusion can protect you from having to face the tension between your current belief and the belief your goal requires.

Decide the result. Identify what you need to think, feel, and do to create it. Then plan on feeling uncomfortable as you practice.

Your brain may tell you the goal is foolish. An early attempt may not create the result. You may want to slip back into the old belief like an old pair of jeans.

You can notice that pull without obeying it. You signed up to learn something new. The discomfort doesn't need to surprise you.

Be willing to prove the old belief wrong

Back away from your mind for a moment and look at the belief as a sentence.

A sentence can feel like the truth because you've repeated it and found evidence for it. That doesn't mean you have to keep believing it.

If your thought is that you can't create a result, notice how attached your brain is to proving that. Even a belief you consciously dislike can feel protective because it's familiar.

Decide you are willing to be wrong about it. Begin looking for and creating evidence of the new belief instead.

If the contradiction is too large to work with, return to a bridge thought. You can move toward the new Model without pretending you're already there.

The new belief can become familiar too

I used to spend hours hating myself and my body. Self-loathing had become an efficient habit.

I did the work of moving toward appreciation and love. Now those thoughts come naturally to me. A negative thought about my body is what feels out of alignment.

That is what becomes possible when you practice a new belief. The thing that once felt uncomfortable can become the familiar way your brain operates.

You don't have to live in the river forever. You do have to be willing to cross it.

Choose the thought you want to believe. See the one you're holding now. Find a bridge if you need one, and keep practicing.

Understanding cognitive dissonance helps you stop using the discomfort of change as a reason to stay the same.