Best Lessons in My Lifetime

The ideas that changed how I think, feel, work, and love.

For the hundredth episode, I tried to choose one ultimate teacher to celebrate. I couldn't choose just one.

So I gathered the best lessons I have learned in my lifetime. Some came from my mother. Some came from teachers I studied. Some took years of living, struggling, and practicing before I really understood them.

These are the ideas that have changed how I think about myself and what I create in my life.

1. You can do anything you genuinely want

My mother taught me this, and I believed her. I think our genuine desires point us toward our destiny. Pay attention to the things you deeply want, then practice believing you can create them.

2. Money doesn't make you happy

My grandfather grew up poor, played professional football, and helped build a successful engineering business. Before selling it, he bought us stock. I grew up with plenty of money, and my mother was still deeply unhappy. Money is a tool. It cannot turn misery into happiness.

3. Rely on yourself

My mother wanted me educated and able to take care of myself. I worked with horses before getting a restaurant job at about 15. I learned to trust my ability to work and provide. My security isn't only money in the bank. It is knowing I can use my brain to rebuild.

4. Work is good

I love work. I love having a business and the feeling of accomplishing something. A hard day's work has its own reward. Believing that has served me throughout my life.

5. No is the beginning

In my family, a no often led us to look for another way. We didn't immediately assume there was nothing else to try. Understanding the reason for a no and continuing to work toward a yes has made my life richer.

6. Food isn't the answer

I once imagined heaven as a place where I could eat fettuccine Alfredo all day without gaining weight. I thought that was the ultimate life. Learning that food is fuel, rather than the answer to my emotional life, was a long-earned lesson.

7. Money is easy

When I asked my mother for money, she gave me a $20 bill. She didn't teach me that money was scarce or painfully difficult to earn. I want to teach my children that making money can be easy and that working hard is worthwhile for its own sake.

8. Success is yours for the taking

At Hewlett Packard, I saw people waiting for bosses and reviews to determine their success. I asked questions, learned what mattered to the people I worked for, and delivered it. I applied for positions beyond my experience and moved up quickly. I didn't think I had to wait to be chosen.

9. Less is more

We sold our belongings before traveling around the country as a family. Afterward, we added back only essentials and things we loved. Moving from almost 5,000 square feet to 2,500 gave us more space because we had less stuff. I love looking around my home and seeing things I actually love.

10. Thoughts create feelings

I had learned about emotional eating and feeling my feelings, but I didn't understand why I felt so bad. Learning that my thoughts created my feelings changed everything. Byron Katie's work helped me apply it. Taking responsibility for my thinking gave me power over my experience.

11. A feeling is the worst thing that can happen

When I imagine something terrible happening, the part I fear is what I will make it mean and how I will feel. Knowing I can work with my thinking and allow emotion gives me freedom. It doesn't mean painful experiences wouldn't be painful. It means I know where my power is.

12. I can't control other people

I can't reliably make other people behave the way I want. The better news is that I don't have to control them to control my emotional experience. I can work on myself.

13. Alcohol is unnecessary

I learned that I didn't have room for alcohol, the chatter about it, the decisions about it, or the way it made me feel. Recognizing it as unnecessary was another hard-earned lesson I was glad to learn.

14. Puppies make everything better

Mickey and Zorro were with us for 16 years. Then came Rocket and Rory. I love the presence and unconditional love I experience with my dogs. When I asked my son who I loved most in the world, he said Rory. That still makes me laugh.

15. My mom did her best, and boundaries save relationships

Believing my mother did her best took me out of blame. Setting boundaries helped me stop taking responsibility for her feelings. Together, those lessons allowed me to appreciate her and saved our relationship.

16. Half of our emotions are negative, and that's okay

I don't have to feel bliss all the time. Not being happy every moment doesn't mean something is wrong with me. Negative emotion is part of the experience.

17. You can practice your dreams

I used to think you had a dream and either achieved it or didn't. I didn't know you could practice it, feel it, and experience it ahead of time. That practice helps you become the person who creates it.

18. Effortlessness takes work

Riding a unicycle can become effortless, but you have to practice first. The same is true of skills you want to make easy in your life. You earn effortlessness. You don't jump straight from zero to effortless.

19. Brains need supervision and direction

Your brain is a tool. Without deliberate direction, it keeps doing what it has done and creating what it has created. I want to supervise mine daily.

20. The more you give, the more you get

We give money rather than lend it. We pay for someone's coffee or toll and don't look back for a response. I believe giving genuinely, without expecting repayment from that person, brings more into my life.

21. Love is always the best option

Sometimes anger or frustration seems like the only available feeling. Love is still an option. I'm not always willing to do the work to choose it, but I remind myself it is available and feels better.

22. My past was perfect for me

I choose to accept my past as if it were for me. That lets me stop arguing with something I cannot change and appreciate what I learned. Making peace with it is a gift I give myself.

23. What's meant to happen does

I believe in showing up, doing my best, and giving everything I have. Then I can accept what happens and believe that the universe is benevolent and the experience is for me.

24. Thoughts create our reality

You are already using your thoughts to create your experience. The work is directing them toward a reality you want. What you think creates feelings, which drive actions and results.

25. Everyone wants to be loved

Whatever someone looks like from the outside, I believe they want to be loved. That means you always have something to give. It includes you, too. Loving yourself is always an option.

These lessons are things I return to and practice. Knowing them intellectually isn't the same as applying them. The gift is in bringing them into the life you are living now.