Balancing Emotion

You do not have to feel happy all the time to be doing life well.

I used to think I was working on my relationship with food or alcohol. What I was really working on was my relationship with my feelings.

How willing was I to be restless? Agitated? Deprived? Could I trust myself to be present with those emotions instead of continually negotiating an escape?

I spent so much time thinking about whether I could have a glass of Chardonnay and still feel clear in the morning. Eventually, I asked myself why that small piece of my life was getting so much of my attention.

I did not want to be having the same conversation a year later. I wanted the freedom of not wanting it.

The feeling I did not need to answer

On a trip with my family, after an eight-hour drive, my husband and I sat down in a beautiful lounge. It seemed like the perfect setting for a cocktail.

He ordered a beer. I ordered club soda.

At that point, I had been telling myself to have two club sodas first and then decide whether I still wanted wine. It was another version of the negotiation I was getting tired of having.

As I sat there, I noticed restlessness and agitation. I thought about what I had learned from Pema Chodron about allowing negative emotion.

I did not get angry that I was restless. I did not decide I needed a drink to fix it. I recognized that this was the part of my day when I felt agitated, and I let that be true.

I noticed the sensations in my jaw, my gut, and the backs of my thighs. I talked with my husband about our children and our trip while allowing the feeling to be there.

Before I knew it, it had passed through. I felt proud and relieved. The last thing I wanted was a cocktail.

Allowing creates room

There is a huge difference between noticing a feeling and fighting with it.

I picture restlessness inside a tiny container. There is no room around it, so it feels intense. When I allow the emotion, it is as though I open the container. There is space for the vibration.

Feeling an emotion is also different from reacting to it. Anger does not require being mean. Allowing hate does not require acting on it. You can give a feeling room in your body without using it as an instruction.

That willingness builds a relationship with yourself. You discover that you can be present with what you feel instead of organizing your life around avoiding it.

Want the alternative

I had been arguing for being able to enjoy a glass of wine. But the question that changed things was whether I would rather not want it.

To release the desire, I needed to understand what I was trying not to feel. Then I needed to want the alternative: being a person who is willing to feel what is true for her in the moment.

I describe the same distinction to my overeating students. A cupcake does not resolve agitation. On the other side, the agitation is still there, with the consequences of overeating added to it.

Being willing to feel the agitation gives you a different experience. It builds your ability to stay present with yourself.

Life includes fifty-fifty emotion

I have a simple story I use to think about being human. I imagine sitting on a cloud with God, considering a visit to Earth.

In this imagined heaven, everything is perfect. Everyone wins. Everyone loves everyone. Nothing is uncomfortable.

Then I imagine being told that Earth is fifty-fifty: half positive emotion and half negative emotion. Am I in?

I say yes. Without contrast, happiness does not have the same meaning. Accomplishment means something because there are obstacles. Desire exists because there is something we do not already have.

This is how I teach emotional balance. We can plan on negative emotion being part of our lives, about fifty percent of the time. Managing our minds is not a promise of being happy all the time.

I believe an unsupervised mind creates more negative emotion than necessary. When that is happening, there is thought work to do. But first we have to acknowledge the feelings instead of resisting them.

This is part of the deal

When I wake up anxious, I can let that feeling be present like a heavy purse. This is the part of the day when I feel anxious. Nothing needs to change immediately.

I know my thinking creates my feelings. I can observe that thinking and allow the emotion before deciding what I want to change.

Advertisements and social media can suggest that a good life should feel good all the time. Do not make that your standard for being human.

We have tools for cleaning up thinking that creates unnecessary suffering. We also need the willingness to feel the negative emotion that belongs to a full life.

Balance includes both. I want to experience my life, not spend it running away from myself.